Raising Children … The Principle Approach

 

I’ve been harangued, emotionally and physically abused, punished for things others did … but always loved by a merciful and loving Lord Who took what I really deserved.  I know what it is to be raised by a grandparent, a wicked stepmother, a single parent (and I even raised myself for a time) … but, arguably, I turned out alright.  God’s destiny for your life is never inexorably thwarted by obstacles He cannot overcome.

Before I go any further, let me say I was not a perfect parent … neither was my wife.  In retrospect, many of the decisions we made we would, no doubt, now make differently.  It seems strange that so many of the conclusions we’ve come to have arrived too late for our own children to benefit.   Maybe that’s why grandmas and grandpas, if they’re available, should  at least be consulted.

Children need to be raised by what I call The Principle Approach.  Let me explain.  Rules are rigid, concrete inviolable edicts.  There must be exceptions because life is not lived in the black and white, but the gray of reality, where any deviation from a rule is another reason for a child to feel insecure by what he sees as a changing standard.  Whereas principles are guiding perspectives that are equally as inviolable (that’s where a child’s security comes from) as they are varied in their application (that’s where a child’s sense of justice is refined and satisfied).

For example, a parent’s love principle may one day overlook an infraction, but on another day see that same infraction has become a pattern of behavior and mete out a commensurate discipline to break the bad habit.  The parent must see mercy and discipline as the opposite sides of the same coin, the love principle.  Jesus was not being inconsistent when He alternately forgave the woman caught in the act of adultery and chased the money lenders out of the temple with a whip.

Here are a few principles we believe make sense:

Principle Perspectives

1. Punishment looks back at past incorrect behavior, discipline looks forward to future correct behavior.  If you discipline well, punishment may be rare.
2. The wise parent is working himself (or herself) out of a job, slowly releasing reins of authority as a child learns to accept responsibility for his (or her) own acts.
3. Every child is different; possessing different gifts, approaching challenges differently and requiring different parenting solutions though the problems are similar.
4. When it’s everyone’s job, it’s no one’s job; everyone benefits from a little hard work.
5. Hands are for hugging and blessing, never for discipline … that’s what a belt or wooden spoon is for (Prov. 13:24); angry discipline is always misunderstood; successful discipline is followed by forgiveness and restoration of relationship.
6. At the core of all disappointment is unreasonable expectation.
7. Regret is where the past meets the present to guide the future.
8. Everyone suffers a little injustice (Rom. 5:8) … you are not omniscient … only God is (Job 34:16-30), so cut yourselves some slack!

 

Is raising children biblical?  What about the parent who’s single?   What about raising someone else’s kids?  Why are my kids so unruly and rebellious?  What if I’ve made mistakes?   Is it too late to do things right?   These are the questions thinking Christians should be asking themselves.

 

It is important to true understanding of any topic to define your terms.  According to a combination of what many dictionaries say: Raising Children is the means by which a parent or parental figure brings infants to maturity.  Principles are fixed guidelines for direction.  A Perspective is a viewpoint.  Therefore, in the context of raising children, principle perspectives are certain ways of looking at the challenges of child-rearing that guide the parent in the raising of a child.

 

Answering questions:

1.       Is raising children biblical?

Of course it is; what do you think God was doing when He walked with Adam and Eve in the “cool of the day?” (Gen. 3:8)  Although it is not directly related, there seems to be a progression of revelation from God to Man, with knowledge imparted, choices given and made, consequences experienced, and new direction instituted … at the very least we see that the raising of the progenitors of the human race by God is inferred.

A close study of Man from the creation to the arrival of Jesus reveals that Our Heavenly Father has taken a deep and personal interest in our raising.  This process has been involved and, ultimately, quite costly … much as parenting is known to be.  The saga of God’s parenting of mankind is what we call “history”—“His Story.”

2.      What about the parent who’s single?

Whether you have arrived at single-parenting though divorce, the death of a spouse or any one of a number of other circumstances, raising kids alone can be challenging.  For the Christian, a realization that you are not alone (Heb. 13:5) is always comforting.  God is only a prayer away and your children will keep you on your knees.  Parents should have this bumper sticker on their car:  “As long as there are children, there will be prayer in the home!”

However, not having another parent physically present to share the burden of raising children can be overwhelming at times.  Let me help you be creative.  Here are a few considerations that may make your task less daunting.

Single-Parenting – Suggestions that Might Lighten the Load

1. Mother’s Day Out – Many churches, realizing the need, offer this once-a-week half-day or all-day childcare service.  It is clean and safe and it might make house cleaning,  shopping, or just taking a break possible or at least more pleasant.
2. Au-pair or Nanny Service – There are professional, trained adults available and waiting for their services to be contracted.  Though often expensive, it might pay for itself in sanity or therapy savings, if you know what I mean.  Also, there are a surprising number of college-age young ladies wanting an American experience who, for the cost of a round-trip airfare, room-and-board and a little spending money, might consider a live-in nanny position.  Things to keep in mind:  Do they have a valid driver’s license?  Training?  Experience? References?  Passport/Visa?
3. Extended Family – Often a local sister or brother (or sister-in-law or brother-in-law) or grandparent may offer both a family connection and an outlet for relief.  Two things to note:  1) You should always offer to compensate them; they should always graciously refuse.  2) You can never be too sure that an otherwise circumspect relative (let alone a friend or neighbor) won’t take advantage of the vulnerability of your children … just be sensitive AND sensible.  God is holding you accountable for your children’s well-being.
4. Nap-times are Me-times – Use your children’s naptimes for cleaning, cooking, laundry, or breaks.  Your wise use of these times can make all the difference.

I hope this section does not come across gender-specific.  It surely was not my intent.  One of my sons has four children and his role is “Mr. Mom” ; he cleans, cooks and home-schools his and three others, too.  He is not a single parent, but since his wife works, many of the household responsibilities fall to him.  There are probably others that are left alone with kids occasionally.  The single- parenting suggestions might come in handy for you, too.

3.      What about raising someone else’s kids?

In a sense, we all do … (they are really God’s kids, on loan to you).  Still, many are raising someone else’s kids … or at least they feel like they are.  Sometimes they’re adopted, sometimes they’re foster-kids or the product of circumstances they did not choose … but they should never be collateral damage—the result of someone else’s bad choices.  They are your children, regardless of how they’ve come to live under your roof … and what happens from this point is entirely your responsibility.

Whether or not your DNA can be tied to theirs, the children in your care are a sacred trust, and the task with which you have been charged is the most important job in the universe.  Children are not the “hope of the future” … they are the future!

Raising someone else’s children is no different, then, than raising your own—the same love, care, provision, wisdom and courage is required.  And, as a Christian, you are tapped into the limitless Source of all that.

4.      Why are my kids so unruly and rebellious?

How were you as a child?  Maybe you are just reaping what you have sown!  Still, the basic natures of children are different.  Don’t get me wrong—they are all fallen.  Every child is the selfish center of his (or her) own world.  Proof of that comes early … children are just naturally selfish with toys; they have to be taught to share—sharing is a self-sacrificing, loving and caring act … and not natural in the least.

The Scriptures say, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way …” (Isaiah 53:6 ASV) and “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23 KJV)  Until your children have their own knowledge of God, pleasing you will have to come with enough rewards and sanctions that the desire to obey is greater than the tendency to rebel. Remember that the Scripture also says, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.” (Proverbs 22:15 NASU)

5.      What if I’ve made mistakes?

What parent hasn’t?  Remember, God is bigger than your mistakes and He will even turn them into something good for you and your child (Rom 8:28).  Besides, the humbling experience of asking and receiving forgiveness can set a pattern that is both a good example for children and may humanize the parent in the child’s eyes.  It is good for your child to look up to you … but not as if you were God and never wrong.  He (or she) needs to see that you, too, are submitted to Someone greater than yourself, and that He holds you accountable as a steward/parent.

Mistakes are where you learn and as such are not to be entirely regretted.  Remember the principle, “Regret is where the past meets the present to guide the future.”

6.      Is it too late to do things right?

Time is a multiplier; the longer you wait the more costly “doing things right” becomes.  However, it is never too late; but it’s always better for your young children to have a ‘visit’ from Mr. Belt or Mrs. Spoon than to for you to visit your adult children in jail.

Children pattern themselves after the role models you give them.  Choose their caregivers wisely.  A parent should be more concerned with what their children have caught than with what they have been taught … choose their teachers carefully.  The wise parent looks for character, not credentials, but it is usually possible to find both.  Even choose their friends until they are wise enough to begin making those choices themselves.

Finally, a word about screen-time.  There is much positive to be said about the convenience and capacity of technological advances.  I-phones, I-Pads, and Laptops are rapidly becoming essential for the person who wants to avail himself of the latest technology.  A child’s competitiveness may well depend on his (or her) ability to use these information management tools.  But screen-time is no substitute for face-time.  Parents who allows violent games, Netflix, Hulu, or even social media to become the primary babysitter is cheating their children and themselves.

Parenting is as much a refiner of parents as it is of children.

“Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Prov.27:17 NASU)

Recommended Reading List:

 Parenting Isn’t for Cowards  – Dr. James Dobson

• The New Dare to Discipline  – Dr. James Dobson
• The Passionate Mom:  Dare to Parent in Today’s World  – Susan Merrill

 

Websites:

             www. ezinearticles.com/?Christian-Parenting

www. views-from-the-brook.blogspot.com/2013/06/Christian

             www.focusonthefamily.com

 

Posted: June 19th, 2013 under General.
Comments: none

Smoking, Alcohol Consumption (and other “salvation” issues)

 

You know the old saying:  “Don’t smoke, drink, or chew … or go with the girls that do!”  Needless to say, in this day of situational ethics, it is a little outmoded.  Still, it would be good to know what behavior is acceptable to other Christians and, more importantly, to God.  Surprisingly, God is a lot more forgiving than we.  For us, in our state of perpetual spiritual arrogance, the list of “salvation” issues is quite long … for God, not so much.

First of all, let me tell you why I put “salvation” in quotes.  There are many behaviors we consider reprehensible which may indeed be unapproved in some circles, but since salvation is our entrance into His heaven, we should let Him make the final determination, shouldn’t we?  Some things are forgivable, some things are not absolutely wrong, and some things are only wrong in certain contexts.

I guess I had my first serious temptation to smoke when I was sixteen.  Our Boy Scout troop had embarked on a canoe trip into the Quettico National Provincial Park in Canada north of Ely, Minnesota and we had already made camp for the night.  The tents had mosquito-proof zip-down netting doors and we had already sprayed inside them in preparation for another decent night’s sleep.  Our guide, an experienced canoeist of twenty-something, had chosen a large rock outcropping from which to gaze at the descending sun.

As dusk came on he, to my surprise, lit up a cigar and began to gently puff a surrounding cloud of hazy smoke.   Noticing my raised eyebrow, he handed me a cigar and a lighter. “You had better arm yourself; they take no prisoners,” he warned. He pointed at an approaching cloud of mosquitos advancing across the lake toward us like an incoming fog bank.  I hurriedly lit and coughed my way to protection.  Two weeks later and back home, I had taken up the habit because it looked cool and had an attendant tough-man story.

But eventually my teenage need for French fries overcame my financially draining new-found habit … and the fries seemed to taste progressively better.  My own self-confidence didn’t seem to need bolstering as much as my desire for tasty food.  At least that was my one and only bout with tobacco.

Oh, and I tried chewing tobacco once.  I had discovered an abandoned half- pouch of Red Man behind the pavilion at the Scout Camp on Lake Ft. Gibson.  The friend I was with instructionally placed a wad of it between his cheek and gum and motioned for me to do likewise.  I did so and suddenly felt a growing nausea that had me spitting it out and choking completely out of control.  Needless to say, I never made that mistake again.  Sure, I played baseball, but I found the bulge in my cheek looked just as cool—and was a lot more pleasant—if made by a Jolly Rancher or a wad of Double Bubble.

 

Although there are many “salvation” issues, I chose smoking and drinking as  representative samples because they are—at least in the “Christian” west—so universally considered to be morally questionable.  Smoking is more of a lung issue than a salvation issue.  C. S. Lewis smoked, as do many people whose relationship with the Lord I do not question.  Alcohol consumption, overeating, and use of non-prescription drugs are all questionable behaviors … but I have three problems with critics who like to think they are “salvation” issues:

1). They are more likely to become addiction issues, and anything you can’t say “no” to may become a god in your life (Ex. 20:3).

2). Life, especially the life of a Christian, is not a snapshot; it is more of a video – as we effectively surrender more of ourselves to Him, many acts we had excused before have become reprehensible to us.

3. Besides, can we see the heart (Jer. 20:12)?  We need to let Him be the Final Judge of all things.

To this list we can add many denominational preferences:  dancing (I guess King David’s in trouble—2 Sam. 6:14), caffeine consumption, skin color, ethnic background (I thought we were all from the Human Race), musical instruments in the church, rock music (what about when Gregorian chants were the latest craze?), etc.  The key word here is preference.

 

Are Smoking and Alcohol Consumption biblical?  Is anything a “salvation” issue?  What about those things we do even though we know we shouldn’t?   Is “judge not” a consideration here?   These are the questions thinking Christians should be asking themselves.

 

According to a combination of what many dictionaries say: Smoking is the means by which active ingredients—like nicotine—are released by combustion to be absorbed in the lungs.  Drinking, if it has a negative connotation, usually refers to the consumption of alcohol.  Some people consider such activities as proof that those who do them are not Christians, while others do not see a necessary link.

Answering questions:

1.      Are Smoking and Alcohol Consumption biblical?

Of course they are, haven’t you read the scripture?   “And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.”  (Gen. 24:64 KJV)  And maybe you think Jesus changed water into grape juice?! (John 4:46).  Seriously, smoking is not mentioned unless you are talking about the lake of fire, and drinking alcohol is mentioned many times, but usually in a positive context, if not done to excess.

That is the key to many of what we might call questionable practices.  Duration of exposure or quantity in the bloodstream (or age) may determine what is legal or even healthy, but what is healthy soul-wise to you or someone else is more determined by the impression it leaves on others … in other words it may be hard for a Christian to witness with a cigarette or a bottle in his hand.  For the Christian, the rightness or wrongness of an activity may not be determined by his own estimation, but by the estimation of others (1 Cor. 8:13).

That may seem like a harsh standard, but are you living for your own pleasure or for the salvation of others?  As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say ‘Amen,’ say ‘Ouch!’”

2.      Is anything a “salvation” issue?

Of course, but Romans 10:9-10 covers that, not your personal theology.  Let’s let God determine what is or is not a salvation issue. The scripture referred to is below.

“That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.” (Rom. 10:9-10 NASU)

3.      What about those things we do even though we know we shouldn’t?

The Scripture is very plain about this.  The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin—or as one translation puts it, “our hearts condemn us”—what may be right for one person may be wrong for another.

“We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.  But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him?  Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.  We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our heart before Him  in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God;  and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight.”(I Jn. 3:16-23 NASU)

4.       Is “judge not” a consideration here?

In fact, this scripture is the most oft-quoted one in the Bible … usually to justify our behavior by pointing at someone else’s.  The actual verse, not taken out of context, calls us to integrity—never hypocritically condemning others of the things we ourselves may be guilty.

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” (Matt. 7:1-2 KJV)

We are not to call things good that are really bad or vice versa; besides, what may seem bad might not be as bad as the alternative or something that appears to be good may end up being detrimental.  We simply cannot see the end from the beginning, so let’s leave the final judgment to He Who can.

Before we condemn someone for an act we think is a “salvation” issue, let us look at our own lives.  We are to work out “own salvation with fear and trembling” (Phil. 2:12), not someone else’s.

 

Recommended Reading List:

•  I Want to Stop Smoking … So Help Me God!:  A Christian-based Approach to Use When Quitting  – Judy Murphy Simpson

• Take Control of Your Drinking … And You May Not Need to Quit! – Michael S. Levy
• Unconditional Surrender  – Gary North

 

Websites:

 

            www.gotquestions.org/quit-smoking-Christian.html

www.thechristiantreatmentcenter.com/…/how-to-quit-drinking

www.achristiancounselor.com/habits.html

 

 

Posted: June 14th, 2013 under General.
Comments: none

Authority and Submission

 

My Dad was a disciplinarian back when, “Grab your ankles!” was not an invitation to change your shoes … back when the Decalogue was the Ten Commandments, not the Ten Suggestions!  However, I am a believer in the carrot and the stick, the rod and the staff.  You can either drive the sheep or lead them … usually, some of both are required.

As a Boy Scout, I learned that hierarchy—the flow of authority—is necessary, that leadership is earned, that rank has its privileges … and responsibilities, and that chaos reigns when those called to lead don’t.  Sometimes we would elect a popular Patrol Leader everybody liked, but we would then do poorly in competitions.  We performed best when we had a leader that led.  We may not always have liked the orders he gave, but submitting to them won us more ribbons and the occasional “at-a-boy” from our Senior Patrol Leader, John Ashby.

It was the same way in High School.  When Mr. Huffer, our marching band director, said to turn right, obedience led to order … and the accurate spelling of the right word on the football field at half-time.  When Mr. Dunn or Mr. Jeffries said to study a certain chapter for the upcoming chemistry or physics test, submission to that directive was self-preservational and wise.

College and later the work-a-day world were no different.  There were those placed in authority and those who had to submit to that authority.  It was easier to submit to those who had learned the value of “servant leadership.”  Truly, people don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.

Life has a tendency to bless right behavior.  Of course, there are always exceptions to which one can point …where injustice has triumphed or obedience has been rewarded with persecution … but even that seems to be temporary—justice finally being served by the vacuum of righteousness created.

There is a right hierarchy—a proper flow of authority—in almost everything.  Although sometimes it seems arbitrary, there is usually a reason the person in charge is so. Even in the Holy Trinity there is a hierarchy.  The Son submitted to the sending of the Father and the Holy Spirit submitted to the sending of the Son (John 20:20-21).  Man, created in God’s image (Gen. 1:26) is also under a hierarchy; the spirit rules over the soul, and the soul—reason, will and emotion –rules over the body.

Man was created to rule over the earth (Gen. 1:28-30), but gave up that authority to Satan by obeying the serpent rather than God (Gen. 3).  When Jesus, the second Adam (I Cor. 15:45-48), died for our sins (Rom. 5:8), He took back that authority (Matt. 28:18) and He will ultimately restore it all to us (2 Tim. 2:12).

Even in the Christian home there is a proper hierarchy.  The husband rules over the wife (Gen. 3:16), together they rule over the children (Col. 3:20, Eph. 6;1) … and the kids pick on the dog, right?  Actually, the same grace that gives those in authority the wisdom to rule justly provides those who submit with the patience and respect required not to rebel … or pick on the dog.

 

Is authority and submission a Biblical concept?  It is easier to be in authority, isn’t it: it’s easier to order other people around than to have to be the one submitting to those orders, isn’t it?  Why do we live in a male dominated society … or is that an assumption that reveals my misogynistic perspective? Why does anyone have to be in charge?  I mean, who died and left you king?  Surely the one most knowledgeable should be in authority, right?  These and other questions are the ones thinking Christians should be asking.

 

According to a combination of what many dictionaries say:  Authority is the power to command obedience or determine what is right.  Submission is the acknowledgement of inferiority in position or the willingness to acquiesce to someone’s superiority of position.  Note that inferiority and superiority are purely positional considerations, not a judgment of the person.  I believe that the one who is in submission to someone in authority over them actually has an underlying mission—a sub-mission—which is vital and supportive to success.

 

Answering questions:

1.      Is authority and submission a Biblical concept?

Of course it is, as evidenced by my introductory remarks on this subject.  But what gives God the right to be the Ultimate Authority?  In a word, creation (Gen.1:1).  Whoever invents, creates or makes something knows best how it works.  Authority comes from the same Latin word, auctoritas, as author does.  As the “Author and Finisher of our faith” (Heb. 12:2), His authorship gives Him the exclusive right of control of His “work.”

Christians are required to submit to those in authority (Rom. 13:1-5), except where obedience to that authority might require disobedience to God (Acts 5:29).

2.      It is easier to be in authority, isn’t it: it’s easier to order other people around than to have to be the one submitting to those orders, isn’t it?

Actually, the one in ultimate authority is also the one in ultimate responsibility.   Although one may delegate power or control over some aspect of his task, the responsibility for that task remains his … that’s what President Harry Truman meant when he said, “The buck stops here.”

It may be easy to say that you are the one in authority, but to assume the responsibility for anything is not so easy.  Giving orders to others may mean that you are sharing the task with those who are submitting to your authority, but it does not absolve you of your responsibility for completing that task successfully.  If you can’t bear the responsibility, don’t covet the authority.

3.      Why do we live in a male dominated society … or is that an assumption that reveals my misogynistic perspective?

Blame God, right?  I mean, He’s the One Who set it up that way (Gen. 3:16; Eph. 5:23), didn’t He?  That’s right, He did; and for a reason.  From the beginning, God chose Adam to be the one in charge.  He drew Eve from Adam’s side (Gen. 2:21-23), not the other way around (1 Cor. 11:8-9).  Someone had to have responsibility, and it would have been unfair for God to hold him responsible for that over which he had no authority.  That’s why He only uses one verse to pronounce His curse upon the Woman (Gen. 3:16) and three verses to pronounce His curse on the Man (Gen. 3:17-19).

Authority in the home is a reflection of the relationship of Christ and the Church (Eph. 5:22-33).  Even as Christ is to be the Head of the Church, so is the husband to be the head of the wife (Eph. 5:22).  Some have argued that both are to be submitted to each other, quoting Ephesians 5:21, but that is taking this verse out of context.  Read it for yourselves.  This verse comes at the end of Paul’s instruction to the Church brethren.  His instructions concerning the relationship between husbands and wives does not begin till verse 22.  Besides, anything with two heads is a monster!

4.       Why does anyone have to be in charge?

Simply, because responsibility must be singular, so must authority.  When everybody’s responsible, nobody’s responsible.  Chaos reigns when nobody’s in charge.   Anarchy reigns when everyone’s in charge.  When everybody does what is right in his own eyes, only the strongest prevails … and might does not make right, it only makes fright!

5.       I mean, who died and left you king?

In fact, Jesus!  His death and resurrection will put us all—who believe—in a royal way (2 Tim. 2:12; Rev. 20:6).  Right now, we’re in training; that’s why salvation occurs at a moment in time, but redemption is a process.  I have a T-shirt that has half the truth  … it says, “IT IS WHAT IT IS.” That may be true, but it’s not the Truth.  One day I’m going to print on the back, “BUT IT’S NOT WHAT IT’S GOING TO BE!”

There is a lot of transformation that is going to be required before we’ll be ready to take the reins of anything that is substantial.  That’s what Church leaders are for (Eph. 4:11-15)—bringing us to the “unity of the faith.”  That’s what the Word is for (Eph. 5:26).  And we need this process of preparation for as the king goes, so goes the kingdom.

6.      Surely the one most knowledgeable should be in authority, right?

Well, that’s one of the prerequisites, for sure; which is why the constituency needs to do its homework.  We don’t need to invest the unqualified with a position of authority.  However, integrity and experience both count for even more than knowledge … and all of that before party affiliation.  A spoils system only leads to cronyism, favoritism and injustice.

Authority and Submission require each other to operate successfully.  Authority must operate within the bounds of the rule of law … and with humility, patience and gentleness (Eph. 4:2).  Submission must be wise, won and willing.

 

Recommended Reading List:

• Authority from God  – Randy Clark
• Spiritual Authority – Watchman Nee
• The Authority of the Believer  – J. A. MacMillan
• Roman 13: The True Meaning of Submission, 2^nd Edition – Timothy Baldwin, JD and Dr. Chuck Baldwin

 

Websites:

            www.victorious.org/authorty.html

www.durrance.com/FrAl/CHRISTIAN%20AUTHORITY.html

www.characterbuildingforfamilies.com/authoritybeliever.html

 

Posted: June 6th, 2013 under General.
Comments: none

Cursing (Cussing) and Crude Gestures

 

“Mary had a little lamb … and a big black dog …”  - I can’t even put in print what our whole squadron shouted at the top of our lungs as we marched to lunch in Arnold Hall at the U.S. Air Force Academy. What is it about being a cadet that was—and I assume is—synonymous with being foul-mouthed?  It was as if our toughness was measured in the creative ways we could cuss.  It was so bad that we actually had a cadre-wide assembly on how we should clean up our language for the folks when we went home for the holidays … “It’s just not cool to say ‘pass the %#$%ing potatoes,’ even if that’s become a part of your normal vernacular,” the speaker warned.  We may have been in training to be “gentlemen”—at least an act of Congress had declared officers to be so—but the immorality of our language must not have been factored in.

As a senior in high school, I had competed and was offered appointments to the Coast Guard Academy, the Naval Academy and the Air Force Academy.  Selecting the Air Force Academy seemed the shortest route to becoming an astronaut and I definitely wanted to be “beamed up!”  However, in the middle of all that … the forms, physicals and interviews … I met the Lord.  The ensuing contradiction to what had happened in my heart would not manifest itself till I arrived for basic training that summer of 1970.  Almost immediately I fell into the gaping chasm of verbal immorality that was all around me.

I’ve come a long way since those early days of my Christian walk, feeling more and more that there was a contradiction between my external witness and my internal commitment.  As I allowed the Lord to change me from the inside out, I began to identify less with the worldly environment and yearn more and more for the fellowship of those who had committed themselves to a godly morality.

I freely confess that I probably became quite obnoxious in my rejection of all things profane.  If my pursuit of piety offended anyone reading this, please forgive me and chalk up my spiritual arrogance to the immaturity of youthful zeal.  Although I have endeavored to keep my tongue pure, I am sure that my sinful heart has betrayed me in attitude or actuality.  Still, a mentor cannot limit himself to only heralding areas of self-mastery … if I only wrote on subjects where personal mastery had been achieved, this would be a short work indeed!

My father had a saying he used often with the young men he mentored (he was a Scoutmaster for 22 years).  When someone would use the four-letter slang for fecal matter he would say, “You just had in your mouth what I would not have in my hand!”  Although cussing is very much a cultural matter – to some “crap” is just as bad – the uttering of an expletive can, for some, act as a release valve for pent-up frustration.  To change your speech may be as easy as substituting a more acceptable alternative … easier perhaps than eliminating the source of the frustration.

We were visiting some friends of ours in Atlanta once and heard our two-year old daughter use “stupid” as a casual adjective.  We were appalled and embarrassed to think that our daughter might be using such a judgmental term at her tender years and determined we would search out amongst her peers the source of such language.  Later, that same day, I used the term describing some inanimate malfunctioning part of our car saying, “That stupid part needs to be replaced!”  Suddenly, embarrassingly, I knew the source of her errant input:   ME!  We sat her down and re-educated her … I said, “Daddy misspoke.  Not ‘stupid,’ but ‘special.’”  Ever since, in our household, “special” is code for “stupid.”  (Gee, I hope I’ve never told you how special you were to me!)

 

Is there speech that is more acceptable for a Christian?  Shouldn’t I express to others how I really feel and not mask it in pretended sincerity or civility when I’m really angry?  What about my right of “free speech?”  Won’t I damage my witness if I pretend to be something I’m not?  What part does environment play?  What about a slip of the tongue or a reactive crude gesture?  These and other questions are the ones thinking Christians should be asking.

 

According to a combination of what many dictionaries say:  Cursing is the verbal expression that something hurtful or destructive befall a person or thing.  In Christendom , it is also used to describe taking the “Lord’s Name in vain.”  A crude gesture may describe any one of a number of culturally unacceptable hand signals that imply that something hurtful, immoral, or destructive befall an individual.

 

Answering questions:

1.      Is there speech that is more acceptable for a Christian?

Probably the most oft-quoted passage on this topic is the one from Ephesians 4:29:

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” (NASU)

The Scripture says the mouth will speak out of the abundance of the heart (Matt. 12:34-35).  The Christian who fills himself with the Word of God will, from that rich treasure he has deposited within, make timely and abundant withdrawals.  The Christian’s speech will be an indicator of what he has been feasting on … or what he has been fasting from … or both.  Hopefully, he has been feeding his spiritual man and starving his natural man (Rom. 8:5-11).

The Christian has made Jesus the Lord of his tongue (James 3:8-12).  Without God’s help, taming the tongue is a virtual impossibility.  An untamed tongue is as useless to us—and to God—as an untamed horse …power out of control is destructive, not constructive.

The Christian’s speech should be instructional, not confusing; bring peace and not chaos; edifying, not critical; optimistic, not pessimistic; and the Christian’s words should be few and substantive.  How does that saying go?  Make your words sweet; you never know when you’ll have to eat them.

 2.      Shouldn’t I express to others how I really feel and not mask it in pretended sincerity or civility when I’m really angry?

The Scripture says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin.” (Eph. 4:26 NASU)  Show some self-control (Gal. 5:22-23).  Some people are too transparent—everything they think comes out of their mouth!  Although God may forgive and forget, others may not.  Discretion is the ability to think before you speak.  I’m not saying to be insincere, but to rehearse in your mind what you are preparing to say.  You may realize this is not the time or place for what you have to contribute.

3.      What about my right of “free speech?”

If you have truly made Jesus the Lord of all, you have already yielded up that right—along with all others.   You are not less free than others, but empowered to do good by that freedom because you have submitted your tongue to Him.  These are called “redeemed rights”—rights given back by a God Who’s given us His Holy Spirit, too—the right to do something, but with that right comes the power not to use it in every circumstance.

4.      Won’t I damage my witness if I pretend to be something I’m not?

I’m not saying you should “fake it till you make it.”  This is the world’s wisdom.  However, there is something to be said for not saying anything until your heart and your head agree.  While the head may contain the speech center, the heart contains the wisdom center.  The Lord gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason … maybe we need to listen more … to the voice of the Holy Spirit!

As it says in James, “If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.” (James 1:26 NASU)

Our witness is made up as much with what we do as with what we say.  Since doing begins with saying (John 14:10; 3 John 10) and saying begins with thinking (1 Cor. 14:20), we should think before we speak … this will make for less hypocrisy, more integrity and a better witness.

5.      What part does environment play?

Environment is a lot; both the environment you choose and the environment that chooses you.  Let me explain.  Our ears and eyes go where our feet take us … and often we regret the decision our mind made when it told our feet to take us there!  We find ourselves in an unhealthy environment –a movie that is unedifying, a place where others have surrendered their inhibitions and their morality to substances that control them, or simply an environment where the flesh is in control, not the Spirit.

The same feet that took you there can take you away.  All that it requires is a different decision.  Better yet, don’t make the wrong decision in the first place.  Choose your environment where you are strengthening the spirit-man, not the flesh.  God is forced to accompany you wherever you go.

I know that sinners are where sin is; and as soon as you are strong enough to resist the temptation to relapse into a sinful lifestyle, the Lord will send you there.  Until then, don’t let your empathy for the lost drag you where the Lord has not led you.

As for the environment that chooses you … you may work around many who make cursing an art form.  Be the dominant spiritual force there.  Set your mind on things above, not on things beneath (Col. 3:2-3).  When others see that you don’t cuss like them, watch how they change the way they speak when you’re around.  And don’t condemn them.  Your godly life will say more to them than any sermon (1 Pet. 2:12).

6.      What about a slip of the tongue or a reactive crude gesture?

Many have hit their thumb with a hammer or have had someone in traffic next to them ‘flip them off’—use the middle finger of the hand to recommend fornication under carnal knowledge (or the acronymic version of that)—only to surprisingly respond with a verbal epithet or reactive gesture of their own.  Surprise, surprise!  I guess you should change your everyday environment.  This is when you find out what is abundant in your heart (Matt. 12:34).

It is forgivable.  Just keep short accounts with God—in other words, don’t let much time elapse between the offense and the confession.  Also, you might just ask those who were the object of your reactive ire to forgive you, too (Prov. 15:1).

Taking the Lord’s name in vain—proclaimed by many to be the condemnation of others on God’s behalf (G.D.)—is really calling oneself a Christian without living like it; a sin we are all guilty of from time to time.

Cursing may be more than that, though.  Since we are called to bless and not curse (Rom. 12:14) cursing may even be more strictly defined as the absence of blessing.  When is the last time you failed to be a blessing?

 

Recommended Reading List:

• The Power of the Tongue  – Kenneth Copeland
• The Profanity Problem:  And What to do About It – Tom Spence
• Profanity, What You Don’t Know Shows – Eloise Coker Hunter

   Websites:

             www.christiancourier.com/articles/369-profanity

www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/christian-swearing-

www.patheos.com/blogs/frankviola/swearingchristians

Posted: June 4th, 2013 under General.
Comments: none

Tornadoes, Hurricanes and Other Unexpected Disasters

 

I think you would have to search long and hard to find many people who have experienced personally both a hurricane and a tornado, especially if they also experienced those disasters from different storm systems.  My wife, however, has.  Hurricane Erin, which made landfall in Pensacola, Florida on August 3, 1995, during her attendance at a teacher’s conference at PCC, came ashore as a category 2 hurricane—with winds in excess of 100mph—and she survived a direct hit from an EF-3 tornado on April 25, 2011—this same storm system spawned 3-EF5 tornadoes, 13-EF4’s and 23-EF3’s: the largest outbreak of tornadoes in U.S. history.  Although the only personal damages we sustained from the hurricane were to our van—all the windows were blown out—the tornado completely destroyed three of our rentals and killed one of our tenants’ children … we only lost our roof and a few out-buildings.

To say we are acquainted with disaster might be an understatement, but many have undergone tragedy that we can only imagine.  (I’m not going to bring any focus to the two brain-stem strokes I had in July and August of 2009.)  When you think about the shootings at Columbine, the theatre in Colorado, or the more recent Sandy Hook Elementary, or the storm tragedies at Joplin, the Jersey Shore or at Moore, Oklahoma, our little tragedies pale by comparison.  But we’re Christians – stuff like that is not supposed to happen to us … right?  We must have been in sin or at least near-rebellion, right?

I had been in the ministry since 1974 ( ordained in 1976), taught at a Christian College since 1987 … although I will not claim anything close to an exemplary lifestyle; my wife had been a teacher in a Christian school for over twenty years and had to put up with me for 37 years (when the tornado hit).  As the Scripture says, for neither my sin nor my wife’s sin, “…but that the works of God should be made manifest …” (John 9:2 ASV)

 

Why do bad things happen to good people?  If God is in control, how come evil still happens?  Don’t the good things I do count for something?  What about the law of sowing and reaping; doesn’t God weigh the bad against the good?  Since I am a King’s kid, don’t I get special (“royal”) treatment; is it wrong to expect this?  Isn’t Satan the “prince and power of the air” and isn’t he responsible for the destructive forces at work on the earth?  These and other questions are the ones thinking Christians should be asking.

 

According to a combination of what many dictionaries say:  a Tornado is a violently rotating column of air that connects the ground to its source cumuliform cloud and occurs when a cold air mass, accompanied by a low pressure center, encounters a warm front and the conditions (measured now by a TORCON index) of the atmosphere—the jet stream, the moisture content, the instability of opposing air masses, etc.—are conducive to their spawning.  Tornadoes, also called cyclones, rotate counterclockwise in the northern hemisphere and clockwise in the southern hemisphere.  Hurricanes usually start as a tropical depression over water and sometimes  intensify enough to become a named tropical storm and occasionally reach hurricane status—sustained winds in excess of 75 mph.  A typhoon is a Western-Pacific-generated cyclone.

 

Answering questions:

1.      Why do bad things happen to good people?

Firstly, not everything that at first blush appears to be bad is actually, in the long run, detrimental.  A lot of things appear at first to have undesirable outcomes … the burned legs of a child, for instance …  at eight, doctors recommended that Glenn Cunningham have his legs amputated, they were burned so badly – yet he ended up being a world champion runner who set the world record in the mile and 1,500 meter runs and was on the 1932 and 1936 Olympic teams!

Secondly, because only God can see the end from the beginning (Rev. 1:8), He is the only One to be trusted with final outcomes.  Many have looked on their present calamity and thought things could not get any worse …only to have them get truly disastrous by comparison.  There will come a day when it will all make sense—until then, we just have to trust.  The Scripture puts it well:

“‘They will be my people,’ says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. ‘On the day when I act in judgment, they will be my own special treasure. I will spare them as a father spares an obedient child.  Then you will again see the difference between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not.’” (Mal.(:17-18 NLT)

Finally, perspective is an interesting thing … it helps us see our situation unclouded by the fog of our personal pain or circumstance.  Like the old missionary story goes, “I complained about the shoes I didn’t have till I met a man who had no feet.”

2.      If God is in control, how come evil still happens?

God created Angels and Man in free moral agency—a fancy way of saying, “with the right to choose (Joshua 1:8).”  It’s not God’s fault that we have almost always chosen poorly (Isaiah 53:6; Rom. 3:23).  I say almost because the one good choice some have made is to make Jesus the Lord of our lives.  We, who have made that choice, have yielded up all our other choices to His ultimate wisdom.

Evil still happens not just because Adam sinned and we have that proclivity (Roman 7), but because we live in a fallen world (Rom. 8:19-23).  Although sin and the evil consequences may become a habit, it is much more than that.  It is our unnatural bent.  Whereas we might have once done the right thing—before the fall that was our natural bent—after the fall, we all had the tendency to sin.  That’s why Jesus died and sent His Holy Spirit.  His death took care of our sins (lower case – plural), our individual infractions of the law—and His Holy Spirit began the process of sanctification, dealing with our Sin (upper case – singular), our bent natural tendency to disobey.

God may know which course you will choose, but His fore-knowledge is not His fore-control.

3.       Don’t the good things I do count for something?

Of course they do; they just don’t cancel out the bad things we have done.  Although good works prove faith (Titus 2:7), they don’t produce it (Eph. 2:9).  Only Christ’s death on the cross pays in full for our “bad works” (sins).

There are many rewards promised to believers that do good works (Ps. 58:11; Mk. 10:29-30), but doing good works is not enough; we must first believe (Heb. 11:6).  We must remember the sobering warning of Scripture:

“Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’   And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.’” (Matt. 7:22-23 NASU)

Not only must we do good works, but the ones He has appointed us to do, when He has appointed them.  In other words, we must be led by the Spirit.

4.      What about the law of sowing and reaping; doesn’t God weigh the bad against the good?

The law of sowing and reaping (Gal. 6:7) is immutable (unchangeable); that is why Christ had to die—He reaped where we sowed.  But God judges in an absolute sense, not as man judges (Isaiah 16:7); His balance scales weigh not only the deed but the intent behind the deed.

5.      Since I am a King’s kid, don’t I get special (“royal”) treatment; is it wrong to expect this?

There is a difficult balance between wrath and mercy … justice can sometimes be hard to determine … at least for us.  On the one hand, we are “joint heirs” with Christ (Rom. 8:17), and therefore “royalty;” and it is not wrong to expect to be treated differently.  On the other hand, this “royalty” does not decrease God’s expectation of us … if anything it increases it.  “For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required.” (Luke 12:48 NKJV)

6.      Isn’t Satan the “prince of the power of the air” and isn’t he responsible for the destructive forces at work on the earth?

Yes, he is (Eph.2:22), and there will come a time when he and his destructive devices will be incarcerated (2 Pet. 2:4) forever; and he has come to destroy (John 10:10), but God allows these “calamities” to provide for us some greater good (3 John 2).  Although we may not understand these things from our own perspective, He encourages us to see with the eyes of faith and from His eternal perspective.

Disasters can come in many forms: Tornadoes, Hurricanes, sickness, injury, bankruptcy … sometimes from our sin, sometimes from the collateral damage to other people’s stupidity, sometimes just because we live in a fallen world … but He is Lord of all!

 

Recommended Reading List:

• When God Doesn’t Make Sense – James Dobson
• One Call Away:  Answering Life’s Challenges with Unshakable Faith – Brenda Warner
• I Beat the Odds – Michael Oher

   Websites:

             www.cdresponse.org

www.christianemergencynetwork.org

www.jsyuille.blogspot.com/2011/03/christian-response-to

Posted: May 30th, 2013 under General.
Comments: none